Priorities

         Many years ago I was given an assignment which radically impacted my view of my life. It was suggested that I write out my obituary. Write it as I wanted it to read. Describe the life I really wanted to have lived. Being a creative type who loves to “play pretend,” I threw myself into the project. I imagined my life over the next 40 or 50 years (I don’t plan to die till I’m at least 80 LOL). The obit I wrote said something about me being an author of numerous books and being a magnificent storyteller who influenced countless people. I also mentioned the funeral being attended by many friends and family and being survived by numerous children, grandchildren and a few great-grandchildren.

         I’m not sure it’s obvious, but that activity showed me (reminded, actually) of what is truly important to me. My family and my friends. When asked recently to name my greatest accomplishment, my answer was (and still is) that I have raised (or almost raised in the case of my youngest) three wonderful children who enjoy being with me, who want me as a friend, who don’t just tolerate me as their Mom. I’m thrilled they are responsible, caring adults. I don’t want to belittle that. My husband and I did a good job there. But I’m delighted and overjoyed when they call me up just to talk or ask if I want to go to lunch or just want to hang out with me occasionally.

         That accomplishment, having my grown children as friends, happened because I made certain choices over the years.

         I have created stories all my life. I’ve been writing them down since I was a teenager. I’ve wanted to see them published for years. I could have chosen to focus all of my time and attention on that. There are many who say I should have. James Frey in “Get That Novel Written” advises writing every day (a good plan), even to the point of alienating your friends (not so good). His point is valid, but I’m a different person. I care for, even need to be involved in the lives of the people around me. I write to entertain them as much as myself. I write to influence them as much as for my own fulfillment. So while in theory I agree with James Frey, in practice I adjust my life a bit differently. I am not “a writer first, wife/mother/friend second” as a long-ago writer acquaintance insisted was necessary. I am a wife/mother/friend-writer. My writing is irrevocably intertwined with the people I love (and even those I hate LOL). I write and create stories to entertain and influence them. Their personalities and the emotions I experience with and because of them find their way into the stories I create. Writing is a huge part of who I am and what I want, but my writing would mean nothing with no one to share it with. And my writing would become dry and lifeless without people interaction to sustain it.

         So I have learned that as I struggle to accomplish all I want to do and end up with what I really want, I must never lose sight of the people I love. That is why I chose to spend time chatting with my elderly father instead of writing on my NaNo Novel, even though it meant a smaller wordcount. That is why I cook and serve meals to my family and keep the house reasonably clean and livable, even though I really don’t enjoy those chores. That is why I dropped everything when my son, serving in Iraq, called to talk. There was nothing I’d rather do than talk to him. And that is why I spent an evening watching a movie and baking cookies with my other son before finishing and uploading this blog.

         But, on the other hand, if I adapted every minute and every aspect of my life to accommodate the people around me, I’d never get any writing done. If I put the wants of others ahead of my own, I’d eventually come to resent those I love most. I have to make choices. And sometimes those choices put my needs and my wants first. Other times I set aside (temporarily!) my wants and focus on another’s.

         Choosing is never an easy process, but I heard another bit of wisdom years ago that helps the decision process. In an article on setting priorities and balancing all the demands of a busy life (sort of what we are talking about now), an author suggested a new way to view priorities. Instead of setting up a hierarchy of priorities, she suggested imagining all the seemingly competing tasks, activities, people and wants as spokes on a bicycle wheel. In order for the wheel to “do its job”, it has to turn. As the wheel turns, all the weight of the bicycle and its load rest solidly on one spoke at a time. In the same way, this author suggested cycling through all the various commitments and wants, knowing that everything would get time and focus eventually. I’ve pretty much followed that philosophy for years. I usually keep my days pretty fluid, intuitively making sure each day includes some work and some play, some focus on writing and some focus on the people in my life. Sometimes, though, I start to sense things getting unbalanced. That is when I consciously schedule time for work and time for play, time to write and time to spend with the people I love.

         A wise man once said, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:” This is my secret for keeping priories straight. What time is it for you?